Minneapolitan Mallwolf

Music: Horror fan, piano man and werewolf Mark Mallman takes back the night.

  You heard it hear first: Mark Mallman is the Mallwolf. He also screens his calls because, apparently, there is a Beckinsale-esque young lady packing a snub-nosed .38 loaded with garlic-tipped silver bullets lurking in the fog. Or just a superfan—but maybe that’s splitting hairs.

“I forgot it was Thursday,” he laughs, explaining sometimes fans get his number, otherwise he’d have answered City Weekly’s call. Just in case there is someone out there looking to rid the world of a shape-shifting, flesh-eating, howling piano man, it warrants mentioning that Mallman is cured. That is to say, he got over the common cold that morphed into lycanthropy.

“That’s something I did for a while,” Mallman confesses of his wolfen ways. “I got really sick one time, and I lost my voice. This was about five years ago. So I went out, and I bought werewolf mask, and I did the show that way ’cause my voice was [mimicking] all scratchy. Then I just kept on doing it, ’cause you know, it keeps it exciting.”

Now the admitted horror fan (“I’m fascinated with that; horror is my real passion”) only whips out the latex, spirit gum and dog hair headwear for special occasions—benefits instead of, say, cyclical lunar occurrences—playing classic-rock covers for a good cause. As for excitement, he’s pretty good at making his own.

Although he’s a piano man, a term that shrieks either milquetoast or Billy Joel (who ceased to be even sorta cool when he started that fuckin’ fire), Mallman is very much a rocker, purveying high-concept ’70s piano-man classic rock with the high-toned hunger of a werewolf, the passion of a vampire and the unrequited—even if he could articulate it—love of Frankenstein’s monster. And the sum total of that Universal Legacy monster orgy is evil genius.

From the first two songs (“Death Wish” and “Tell Me How a Man Gets Close to You”) of his fifth album Between the Devil and Middle C (Badman), the Tin Pan Alley-meets-Madison Square Garden melodies and triumphant arrangements seize your attention like Bela Lugosi’s gaze. Mallman’s prisoners, we’re jacked into his sinister 88-key instrument of death-by-music. He holds us rapt with his unironic, workaday themes, like we’re all Mary Tyler Moores who are gonna make it after all. Indeed, this is the sound of an average Joe’s big dreams—inspiring, exhilarating, crammed with all the false hope and resignation one needs to keep getting up in the morning. Yet, this is eeeeee-ville: it gets better (or worse).

The songs are sheer drama, phantoms of the rock opera, which those averse to showy tunes can read as “death.” But if you’ve ever loved Meat Loaf (or Queen or Billy Joel or David Bowie), you’ll gladly ride a bat straight up the devil’s middle C just to hear Mallman play one more song—because they’re exciting.

Sometimes that’s not enough for Mallman. Although horror is his true love, and music has just been “something I’ve done since … I was 3,” his behavior betrays a porphyrian craving to play. He’s good for an album a year—a once-reliable schedule to which most bands and artists adhere—and he overcame a bouquet of mental illnesses (including dysthymic disorder, a form of depression that inhibits or blocks the ability to feel pleasure) in order to play longer tours—not to mention longer shows. “Regular” ones reportedly stretch two to three hours. His “marathons”—two concerts in his Minneapolis hometown that lasted 26.2 and 52.4 hours, respectively—nearly got him into the Guinness Book of World Records (or would have, if it hadn’t been for semantic quibbling).

“Music is just kind of my being,” he maintains. “It [feels natural] for me to think about monsters because I’ve gone through so much wrestling psychological things. It’s almost like, to not be a monster, to be just happy, would be really cool.”

In that way, Mallman is a classic monster. He didn’t choose to be a creature of the (figurative) night; he just is. He fights it by day and flaunts it after hours, when he’s playing—or riding or standing upon—his electric piano and singing about struggle. Music is one way he keeps the beast within at bay; he self-medicates by tapping into his inner goodness and writing all those good songs.

“Really, for me, it’s just like a vision quest. Like, can I ever write that amazing tune? I’m always trying to do better and better and better.”
The day he gets it right is the day he’s really cured.

“I think once I do write that tune, there’s no real point to continue. I’ll just move on and do something else. This music thing is my life, it’s my reason to live, but at the same time, if I stopped tomorrow I’d find something else to do. If I do write that amazing song, fuck it. Even if nobody ever hears it, I’m done.”

Hen’s Party Dos and Don’ts

Otherwise known as a bachelorette party, the hens party is a celebration held for a young woman who is about to get married ,fashioned in much the same style as the bachelor’s or stag or bucks party. Historically though, the bachelor’s party has been around for much longer, with the hens night evidently stemming from the sexual revolution of the sixties.

Despite its attempts at equality, those trademarks of the bachelor’s party: drunkenness and the antics of a stripper are not necessarily a part of the hens night. In fact, a trend of late has been the notion of female bonding often in the form of a ‘pamper party’ where the bride-to –be is gifted with luxurious pampering items (or, for the more daring, a range of sex toys)

Often all guests are invited to a morning of salon style pampering, which can run the range of massages, manicures, pedicures, facials and aromatherapy. In this way the bride and her entourage can spend quality time together.
A few simple things to remember...

For those who are arranging the hens night, there are some very specific dos and don’ts.

    It is essential that the bride is never exposed to or expected to participate in anything that will make her uncomfortable. This includes those on the list of people being invited (ex-girlfriends of the groom are a no-no)
    Finances should be dealt with discretely. Costs should be covered by all who attend the hens night and the bride should not be expected to contribute.
    On no account should this event be too close to the wedding date. The bride needs to look at her best on her big day
    If there is a range of ages present, make sure that the entertainment is tasteful. Leave anything risqué until after the oldies have left.
    Remember that it is the bride’s day. Any game or prank should not leave her looking bad or feeling embarrassed. She must remember this evening as a highlight in the run-up to her wedding day.
    A token of remembrance for each guest is a great idea. There is such a choice available online, so spend time making a tasteful decision.
    A wonderful opportunity exists if you start a Facebook page for your planning. This allows everyone to be involved and able to give input into all aspects of the party.
    On the hens night, make sure that everyone lets their hair down and has a great time!

Take plenty of pictures and post them onto your Facebook site... well maybe just some of them!

What Every Bride Should Know about the Buck’s Night

Known by a variety of terms, ranging from a stag party to a bull’s party, is the buck’s night or bachelor party, which is a party arranged close to the time when a young man gets married (and can no longer engage in some of the activities his partner disapproves of). Traditionally this party is arranged by the best man, or by a friend who has extensive knowledge of partying.

Activities differ from country to country, but usually involve a night – or in some cases even a whole weekend – spent in the company of his male friends, accompanied by the consumption of copious amounts of alcohol and in many cases, a stripper. There are no hard and fast rules, however, and variation occurs depending on the personality and inclination of the groom. A very popular trend of late has been an entire shift away from the debauchery of past buck’s nights, to an evening or more ( even a weekend) of men enjoying men’s pursuits, like a hunting trip or a fishing expedition or white water rafting together.
So, what does the bride need to know about the buck’s night?

It is going to happen, so your attitude will go a long way towards making it a memorable, but guilt-free event for your groom. Don’t believe everything you hear or have been told. Trust your man and allow him to enjoy the bucks night. It is, after all, a way for him still to show that he is ‘one of the guys’ even though he has committed to a married way of life.

Inevitably, there will be more than the usual amount of drinking and quite possibly a stripper. Your negative attitude to this can ruin the evening for him. He wants to make you happy – he has asked you to marry him! So, imposing unrealistic expectations or limitations, will mar what could just have been an evening of exuberance and letting off the steam of pre-wedding jitters. However, it is a good idea to spell out your limitations in terms of his behaviour (within reason).

The worst thing that you can do on the bucks night is to stay at home and fret. Possibly this would be the best time for your own hen’s night, but at the very least go out with some friends for a meal or a movie. Stewing about what is happening is going to be far worse than anything real.

Ultimately, remember that he has chosen you above all others, so let him have this last evening of not being accountable.

The Right Tuxedo

The most popular choice for modern grooms is the classic tuxedo. There isn't a man alive who doesn't look great in one of these. However, when deciding on attire, keep in mind the formality of the event. Create a look that fits your personality and complements the bride.

Black Tie

Becoming increasingly popular is the black tie wedding. However, this doesn't mean that you have to spend a fortune on a tuxedo. There are plenty of different labels with a wide range of prices. Renting is always an option, but if you plan to wear it more than once, it would be a good investment to purchase your own tuxedo.

Shirts

If you though the range of tuxedos was wide, wait until you see what shirts you have available to you. Shirts will usually come in one of the three types of collars: the wing collar is the most popular and allows you to see the whole bowtie; the laydown collar reveals only the bow and knot; and the band collar, with which no tie is worn -- instead, a cufflink-like fastener closes the shirt at the throat.

Ties

Formal silk or satin bow ties are timeless and will look great 20 years from now. You might choose to wear a gray or black satin classic tie instead.

The Right Tux For You

• If you are tall and slender- you're lucky! Almost any style will suit your body type. Thin men will look best in double-breasted jackets and the shoulders should be padded a bit more than normal. This gives the appearance of a more muscular build.
• The trousers should be full with a higher rise in the waist
• Men with a tall and solid build should opt for a single breasted jacket with only one button. You should also make sure that the jacket you are wearing is long enough for you. A good indication of this is to relax your hands at your sides. If your finger tips reach the bottom of the jacket, this is a good length. Shirt cuffs should sit about 2.5 cm beyond the jacket sleeve. This rule applies to any good suit.
• Collars and ties need to be carefully selected. If you have a wide face or a thick neck, you don’t want to look like you’re being choked!
• The jacket should be a little loose to allow easy movement
• Trouser legs should be slightly wider if you are sporting large or muscular thighs for the sake of comfort and looks.
• Avoid double-breasted jackets as the buttons will focus eyes on your mid- section making it look wider. Short and stocky men should steer towards jacks with plenty of shoulder padding and pleated trousers. Your torso will appear longer and leaner if you choose a single breasted jacket with the button around the belt line. The shawl collar is best for short and stocky men
• Avoid wing-tip collars and very small ties if you have a large face or neck.
• Heavier men might consider a vest over the traditional cummerbund
• If you have a short and slim build, choose a single breasted jacket with a low single button and this will lengthen the lines of your look.
• If you'd like to appear broader, a notched or "peal" lapel is a good choice. Create the same effect with a double-breasted jacket.
• The trousers should be pleated with reverse double pleats, and the trouser legs should break just above the shoes, angling slightly downward in back.
• Smaller bow ties are the best choice for your frame, as are vests with an elegant, understated pattern.

Dealing with embarrassing relatives

Are you one of those people that absolutely dreads family parties because you are worried about your relatives that are embarrassing? Everyone's family has at least one "black sheep". The important thing to remember is that you are related to this person and you need to love them despite their embarrassing behavior. Here are some tips that may help you make it through the next family gathering.
Tip # 1 - Acceptance and Love
When it comes to dealing with embarrassing relatives, you need to remember that everyone is different. Stop looking at their embarrassing qualities and start picking out of their good ones. This may be hard with some people, but everyone has at least one good quality. When it comes to being embarrassed, you have complete control over that. Stop allowing yourself to become embarrassed. So what if your Uncle Tom likes to get drunk and play the piano, that's just who he is! Accepting those relatives that embarrass you is the best way to get over your personal frustrations with family events.

Tip # 2 - Talk to them
If you just can't handle the behavior, try talking to your relative about it. Maybe your little sister thinks it's funny to blurt out a song in the middle of Wal-Mart, if it bothers you, tell her. Be prepared to give up some of your embarrassing behavior if you are asking your relatives to change. Maybe you need to learn how to loosen up a little and just have fun when you are with your relatives instead of thinking about what everyone else around you is thinking.
Dealing with a difficult problem, like Uncle Tom's drunken tirades, can be another challenge. When embarrassing behavior becomes a problem like alcoholism, anorexia, depression, or another serious condition, you need to have a family talk. Part of being in a family is to help one another. Maybe your Uncle doesn't realize he has a drinking problem, but when you point it out, it may help him realize it. Be calm when you are approaching your family member with a serious matter as their first reaction will be to defend themselves against your attack. Calmly state your feelings and your concern for their well-being.
Tip # 3 - Bite your tongue
Everyone has at least one family member that is the "know it all" or the "big mouth". When you are around this person, learn how to bite your tongue. Do your part to keep the family happy and harmonious by avoiding starting unnecessary conversations with this person. If their behavior starts to get out of control, you may need to step in and let them know they are crossing a line, especially if they start belittling others for not knowing as much as they do. Of course, the best method is just to distance yourself from this person. If you know how they are, walk away from them so you don't have to listen to them talk about themselves and all their information. Try playing a game with them, this is a great way to avoid talking to them about too much and it can help you find a different way to connect with them.
No matter what embarrassing quirks your relatives may have, you need to remember that you probably have some as well. Find tactful ways to speak to your relatives about their behavior, but be willing to recognize some of your embarrassing behavior. Determine what is more important; keeping peace in the family by just letting them be themselves or trying to change them into a different person. Having understanding, love, and tolerance for your loved ones will help you get through some of the embarrassing times.

The Insider's Guide to Buck's nights

Traditional Buck's nights seem to be going through a massive change and dare we say, for the better.

Far from the 'get together and drink a lot' parties from the past, men are opting for far more exiting options to farewell their mates.

Adventure sports are currently topping the alternative list of things to do. Buck's now spend the day or even weekend learning new skills and then getting down and dirty perfecting them. Dirt bike riding and off road 4x4 courses are getting booked regularly. This fun adventure will set you a back a few dollars more, but in the end this will be a time you will remember for the rest of your life.

Another adventure orientated buck's event that is coming out tops is scuba diving. The groom and his party spend a morning in a swimming pool feeling awkward and poking fun at each other in wet suits, but they also learn the basic skills of diving. The afternoon is then set aside for the first open water dive. This is truly a time well spent with mates and you gain a valuable certificate from a diving institution. Just imagine the stories at the evening's get together.

The more sporty types arrange for a relay race where the groom is competing against his friends in events that they usually are terrible at and he has the best chance of winning. Cycling, running and swimming are popular choices. The day is then ended with a rewards ceremony where prizes are given for the laziest contestant, least body fat percentage and that sort of funny stuff. This is not a serious affair at all and aimed at being a bit boisterous and having competitive fun like in the old days.

If physical exercise on your buck's night sounds just completely wrong to you, there is always the Wii console that will gladly host any vent you want from the ATP tennis world tour to Olympics. For the best results and guaranteed fun, use the largest screen you can get your hands on or even better – project the images onto a wall and step right into the action gentlemen.

The emphasis change in how bucks celebrate their last few days a single men, seems to bring friends and family together as they have a bit of fun with their male mate before he gets the noose. Quality fun is by far outstripping booze filled parties that last as long as the groom can stay on his feet.

Investigate your options and put together a day or even weekend of fun to remember for a lifetime.

Tips for the Groom

Now that you've gotten the ring and proposal out of the way, here are a few tips to help your trip to the altar run smoothly..

    Just as the bride needs time to organise her wedding gown, you will need to start looking into your options about 4 or 5 months before the big day. Don't wait till the week before your wedding to figure out what you're going to wear because you may not be able to find what you are after on such short notice.
    Make sure you have decided beforehand if you will rent our purchase a wedding suit for the day and also find out which style will suit you best. Your formalwear should be purchased or reserved about 3 months before the wedding.
    Ask your bride for some details about her gown. This will help you to co-ordinate your outfits so that you'll both look fantastic on the day and your outfits will compliment each other.
    Try not to shave the day before your wedding. Have a shave right before you plan to get dressed for the ceremony. You'll be soft and smooth for your bride. There's nothing worse than prickling her with stubble.
    The last thing you want is a shaving rash. Avoid razor burns by shaving in the direction of hair growth.
    Keep breath mints in your pocket and you'll have a fresh breath all day long.
    On the day of your wedding eat a hearty breakfast and try to relax.
    Don't smoke or drink alcohol before you go pick up your bride. You will want to smell and behave your best when you arrive at her place.
    Perfume and flowers will fill the air so you don't need to wear cologne. The clean smell of soap should be all you need.

Make sure you have these things before the wedding day:

    Polished shoes
    Shirt studs for tuxedo shirt
    Bow tie
    Cufflinks
    Socks usually black
    Tuxedo or suit
    Cumberbund/vest